The Most Massively Useful Item in the Universe

I’m sorry, but Douglas Adams got it wrong in The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy: The towel is NOT the most massively useful item in the universe, the scarf holds that title.

• You can wrap a scarf around your neck to keep you warm in the deepest, coldest recesses of the universe.
• It can be a handy back scratcher for reaching that impossible place in the middle of your back.
• Apply water and a little bit of soap and you can use it to wash that place on your back that you can never reach.
• You can use it as a neck pillow (very Zen) while travelling past the moons of Jupiter (or Kakkrafoon)
• You can wet it and use it in hand-to-hand combat.
• You can use it to tie your opponent up after you win the hand-to-hand combat.
• You can (just like with the towel) wrap it around your head to avoid the gaze of the ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal… a creature so mind-bogglingly stupid, it thinks that if you can’t see it, it can’t see you.
• It is a great tug-of-war toy for the inhabitants of the life forms living in the orbits around the Dog Star (these people enjoy play and games above all other pursuits and will always drop everything to fetch a ball or play tug-of-war
• You can use it as a sling if you fall over after sampling some of the fine beers at “The First Ettamogah Pub in Space”… currently orbiting the third moon of Jagalar IV
• In the same bar, you can use it to mop up the mess if you spill your beer (and you get to enjoy the beer later).
• Also in the same bar… if someone is giving you grief and just won’t shut up, your scarf makes a handy gag.
• Again in the same bar (which is legendary for its bar brawls and the myriad different colours of spilled bodily fluids that invariably ensues), you can use is as a bandage if you find yourself unfortunate enough (or drunk enough) to be caught in a bar brawl
• Still in that bar, you can lay your scarf on the ground as a physical representation of “the line that must not be crossed”)
• As you’re being tossed out of that bar, your scarf is a handy cover for the beer glass you’ve just purloined.
• And depending on how much beer you’ve had, you can have a really interesting conversation with your scarf as the taxi takes you back to your hotel or space ship.
• You can use it as a handy anchor when trying to sleep during weightless space travel. Tied to your wrist or ankle and to a bulkhead, you will never float far from where you lay down to sleep.
You can weave in threads of fine spices and smuggle these very valuable commodities into many worlds across the galaxy.
You can irradiate it to create a handy night light (short term measure only as long term problems could follow in the morning)
• Folded carefully, it makes an extra cushion if you find yourself spending hours piloting your craft across the galaxy
• Laid on the floor, it makes a race track and impromptu betting venue for staging coloured flea races on Microfoon.
• When stranded, you can wave it to attract the attention of another, passing spacecraft..
You can weave in threads of rare metals and smuggle these very valuable commodities into many worlds across the galaxy.
• You can use it as a basic measure when confronted by a monumental task – like building an Ark
• And, if it isn’t too frayed after all that, you can wave it menacingly at the opposing side in any footy match in the universe.

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Copyright © 2009 David Sell - Freelance Journalist and Writer